Ask Austin

Ask Austin

How To Heal Your Broken Heart


Hey Austin – Got any advice on how to let go of a relationship? The love of my life and I broke up about nine months ago and I feel stuck. I can’t seem to move on with my life. I spend much of my time living in the past, wondering what I could’ve done differently and accepting the fact that I might always be alone. And if I do find someone else, I will just be settling because there is no comparison to him. To top it off, he has completely moved on and is engaged now. It feels like a dagger in my my heart. Why is it so difficult for me to move on without him? – Jessica

Thanks for the note, Jessica. And I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through. Few things in life can take us down quite like having our heart ripped out of our chest by someone who was supposed to love us forever. It feels like a bomb has gone off in your life and obliterated any sense of peace or happiness you once had. There are days you can barely breathe and sometimes the weight of the darkness pressing down is more than you can bear. I think we’ve all been there…right?

I know I have.

Jessica, the first thing to understand here is that what you’re going through is far more than just emotional trauma. It’s also physiological. There are chemical processes taking place in your body that are making it difficult for you detach from this man. When you’re in love, your body secretes high levels of oxytocin, serotonin and dopamine, all of which are hormones that bond you with the man who curls your toes and rocks your world. When that love is taken away, your body responds in the exact same way an addict’s body does when you take away their booze or drugs….

It FREAKS out!

Few people know this, but recovering from a break-up is like kicking an addiction to a drug. In fact, a recent study conducted at Rutgers University found that when broken-hearted test subjects were shown a picture of their ex, the parts of their brain that lit up were the same parts associated with cocaine and nicotine addiction.

As if that weren’t enough, the area of the brain that processes romantic love lies right next to the area that orchestrates hunger and thirst. So romantic love, like hunger and thirst, is an innate biological need. We NEED it. It’s one of things that drives us to mate. Without this drive, our species wouldn’t survive. So when we lose that love, it’s devastating not only from an emotional perspective, but from an evolutionary one as well. Our brain thinks we are missing out on life’s greatest biological prize…a mating partner.

That’s why you feel so devastated.

Now I’m not comparing you to a meth head, but it is important to understand that what you’re experiencing is a CHEMICAL reaction to your loss. It’s real, it’s raw, and it fu**ing HURTS…right? So….you’re NOT crazy and you’re NOT losing your mind. Even if it feels like you are.

So how do you regain your sanity?

Well, the first thing you MUST do is treat this loss as you would any addiction. And how do you treat an addiction? You first cut off the supply. This means you absolutely MUST cut all ties with this man if you haven’t already.

AND I DO MEAN ALL TIES!

I’m talking complete radio silence. Now I know this is easier said than done, but the FASTEST way for you to get over this man is to cut him out of your life entirely. Again, remember that you’re chemically addicted to him. This is scientific fact, not conjecture. If you were trying to kick a cocaine habit, you wouldn’t hang out with someone who candies up their nose with the finest booger sugar, would you? Of course not. You would steer clear of any temptation that could lead you to using again. Same thing if you’re an alcoholic. You might THINK it’s ok to have that one weekend cocktail, but the next thing you know, one drink has turned into ten and before you know it you’re off the wagon and face down in the dirt.

I think you get my point.

The bottom line is that this dude is your poison and must be removed from your life at all costs. So put as much distance between Mr. Morphine and yourself as possible. The relationship is over. It ended for a reason and nothing good is coming from you holding on. Trying to figure out what went wrong or what you could have done differently is just going to drive you batshit crazy.

Right now it doesn’t matter.

The only things that matters NOW is your peace of mind. There will be plenty of time for self reflection later. I can’t emphasize enough how critical it is that you cut the cord completely and walk away with your head held high.

And when I say COMPLETELY, I mean it!

That means no social media…no texting…no phone calls…and ESPECIALLY no booty calls!!

If you do this, you can take solace in knowing that your wounds WILL heal sooner than later. In fact, the notion that time heals a broken heart is born out by the research study I mentioned earlier. The researchers found that after the break-up, the more time that passes by without contact, the less activity there is in the brain region associated with both attachment and addiction. So the lesson here is that you need to cut the cord for your own sanity as well as for your own well-being.

And believe me, it WILL free your soul.

Jessica, it’s important to realize that getting over a heartbreak takes time. So it’s ok to cry and mourn the loss. But don’t dwell in that negative space for too long. Yes, you’re grieving. Yes, you’re miserable. And yes, you’re barely surviving but YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS! So put one foot in front of the other and know that every step forward propels you further down the healing road.

Also, if you haven’t gotten the closure you need, now is the time to speak up. Sometimes you can’t get over the hurt until you know you’ve been heard. So give yourself permission to express your feelings to him. It doesn’t matter how you do it. A well-written email or letter is always good because it gives you time to collect and compose your thoughts.

Another option is to vent all your frustrations IN PERSON and get them off your chest.  There’s nothing worse than regret, so say what you need to say and then wash your hands of it.

Above all, remember that it’s not how you communicate it that’s important, what matters is cleansing yourself of the toxic energy that’s eating you up inside. And don’t be surprised if he doesn’t respond to your letter or email. In fact, it’s better if he doesn’t. And if you unload on him in person, don’t be shocked if he has a smirk on his face or tells you you’re crazy. That’s just his way of saving face. His response (or lack of one) doesn’t matter anyways…you’ve said your piece and that was your intention all along.

Lastly, I want you to take back control of your life by making it all about YOU. Don’t let a bad experience keep you down or prevent you from believing in love. NOW is the time to rediscover the things that bring you joy. Go dancing! Read erotica books! Take some girlfriends to Vegas for a weekend of unholy debauchery! Whatever floats your boat. It’s time to fall in love with yourself all over again and become comfortable just being YOU…without a man by your side. Believe me, learning to make yourself a priority is the best investment you’ll ever make.

Jessica, you can either go through life angry or jaded or you can live a life full of love and laughter. I would much rather see you do the latter. Laughing and loving is the only way to go.

All the best to you, my friend.

Ask Austin

The Worst Thing I’ve Ever Done


Austin – My fiancé cheated on me a couple of years ago with a co-worker. We broke up and I recently took him back. Everything was fine up until about a month ago. Now he’s keeping his phone close and private like before. My gut tells me something isn’t right but every time I bring it up he gives me a guilt trip and says I need to trust him for our relationship to work. What are your thoughts on this? Please help. –  Lisa

Hey Lisa,

I get some variation of this question almost every day on, so please know that you’re FAR from alone on this one.

Every healthy relationship needs to be rooted in mutual respect, admiration and trust. That said, yours unfortunately sounds like a recipe for disaster.

You have two HUGE problems right off the bat.

First, your pussy-hound of a fiancé has already proven he’s willing to cheat on you. Second, the fact he keeps his phone close to him is probably all the confirmation you need. Short of you walking in on him with another woman, I don’t know what other kind of sign you want.

Lisa, like a lot of men, I’ve been untrue to some of my partners. I’m not proud of it, but it’s something I did and I can’t change the past. But the best thing about having a reformed bad boy like myself as an advocate for women is I know every trick in the book guys use. Hell, my ex-wife would even tell you I wrote the damn book. But you know what? I wouldn’t trade my experiences for all the tea in China. Without them, I wouldn’t have the wisdom and knowledge to help others like I do.

You mentioned your fiancé is keeping his cell phone close to him and says you need to trust him for your marriage to work. This classic Male Manipulation 101 stunt. It’s the same trick I’ve used several times myself.

Listen to this story……

When I was younger, I was dating Kelly and Ashley at the same time, neither of whom knew about the other. One evening Kelly confronted me and told me she suspected I was dating someone else. With my back literally and figuratively up against the wall, I did exactly what your fiancé and so many guys do when they find themselves in a jam….we  lie our asses off at any cost.

I first unloaded on Kelly telling her she was incredibly insecure and that she needed to get a grip. Then I ripped into her saying I couldn’t believe after all the time we had spent together that she actually had the audacity to suggest I was dating another woman. I finished my rant by telling her she was free to walk out the door if that’s what she really believed. I even pointed at the door.

Can you BELIVE that??

What a dick!

I fired the weight of a two-ton manipulation hammer while making her feel like she was the crazy one daring to question me.

And guess what?

It worked.

Even though she was no wilting flower, Kelly ended up apologizing later that night as so many women often do.

How awful is that?

And to add insult to injury…less than twelve hours later I was deep inside Ashley, thereby proving Kelly’s suspicion.

Lisa, as I mentioned earlier, every healthy relationship needs to be rooted in mutual respect, admiration and trust. There is very little, if any, trust in this relationship from what I can see. The fact you feel the need to look through your fiancés phone should tell you everything you need to know. Please learn from the wisdom of my experience and don’t play the fool by continuing the relationship if your gut is telling you something isn’t right.

Because like Kelly, even if you ask, it’s unlikely you’ll get the truth from him.

Austin “Former Bad Boy” Blood

Ask Austin

Help! My Husband Is Having An Affair!


My husband has been having an affair with one of our neighbors for over a year. I pretended it was my imagination and thought I was just being paranoid. But my suspicions were right and I have proof. My question to you is should I confront the other woman and should I tell her husband? -Yvette

Yvette,

I’m amazed you took the time to write. Most women I know would first slash the other woman’s tires, shit in her husband’s sock drawer, and then send me an email.

I’m seriously impressed.

To answer the first part of your question, there’s no question I think you should tell the other woman you know she’s having an affair with your husband. Before you do it though, think long and hard about what you want to say beforehand.

Hell, I’d probably even write it down and rehearse it.

The ancient Greeks had a saying, “He whom the Gods wish to destroy, they first make angry.”

This is a nice way of saying we all lose our heads when get overly emotional. And when we don’t control our emotions, we lose. Knowing what you want to say beforehand makes it much easier to keep your cool. I would probably confront her at her house or workplace to take advantage of the element of surprise. When you catch someone off guard, it’s much easier to control the situation.

As for the second part of your question, it’s really your call. It just depends on how strongly you feel the other woman’s husband needs to know.

My personal opinion is that you should NOT tell the other woman’s husband about the affair.

At the end of the day, not a lot of good will come of it other than your own satisfaction. This is particularly true if children are involved. While it might feel good to ruin the life of the woman who sucked your husband like a Hoover vacuum, it can complicate your life even more in the long-run. One of the basic laws of the universe is what goes around, comes around, so let karma handle this one for you.

Payback can be a bitch.

Now if you DO choose to go this route, I would make a point of letting the other woman  know you’ve made the decision NOT to tell her husband. Showing goodwill to someone you’d just as rather bash with a pipe gives you a lot of leverage and power should you ever need it.

Lastly, if you do ultimately decide her husband should know about the affair, make sure you tell the other woman SHE needs to tell him, or you will. Now it becomes her problem…not yours.

Best of luck to you,

Austin