Author: Austin Blood

Articles

Why He Lies To You


Lies.

Lies.

Lies.

There’s nothing like a boatload of bullshit to make the world go ‘round. And we’re all guilty of it. ALL of us. Whether it’s a little white lie to save our ass or a full-blown web of deceit to hide that dirty little secret, most of us excel at shoveling prodigious piles of truth-deficient poo on a regular basis.

ESPECIALLY men.

One of the top complaints I hear from women is that men are ALWAYS trying to pull the wool over their eyes.

To hear these ladies tell it, men lie about damn near everything under the sun. We lie about our past. We lie about our future. We lie about what we’re doing, where we’ve been, what we’re thinking, what happened an hour ago, what happened thirty seconds ago, and so on.

In addition to the actual dishonesty, what REALLY drives these ladies to drink is that men seem to lie about stuff they shouldn’t lie about at all. Dumb stuff. Stupid stuff. Matters that don’t amount to a hill of beans in the big scheme of things. So that’s what we’re going to talk about here….the little lies.

If you’re a woman, how many times has a man tried to pull the wool over your eyes? How many times has he told you that he’ll be home in ten minutes and then shows up an hour later? Or that his phone died and he didn’t get your message? Or that he did something around the house when he didn’t?

More times than you can count, I’m sure.

So why exactly do so many guys play fast and loose with the truth? If men were more straightforward and honest, wouldn’t life be easier for everyone?

In a word?

NO.

At least not for him.

The truth is that there are really only THREE reasons a man will lie to you:

1. When he doesn’t want to argue with you.

2. When he doesn’t want to see you upset.

3. When he doesn’t want to incur your wrath.

There are other reasons, of course, but these are the main ones.

So let’s start by taking a look at the wrath department, shall we?

I hate stating the obvious, but far too many women make an art form out of nagging, whining, bitching, pouting and complaining to the man in their life. And it’s no secret that men hate this shit. They detest it. Every guy I know would rather have his balls tarred and feathered than get blasted by a woman for his delinquent behavior. So if you’re a guy and a woman is about to cloud up and rain on you, your first instinct is to save your ass.

And the best way to save your ass is by covering it.

That usually entails telling her what she wants to hear. And when it comes to covering his ass, a man will do whatever is necessary to appease you. His rationale is simple…

Keep the peace at all costs.

A lie is his way of avoiding an argument, criticism or disappointing you at that moment in time. If he gets caught, he can deal with the fallout later. And we usually DO get caught, don’t we?

Yup.

You ladies are like human polygraph machines. The second we pull a fast one, those finely-tuned female fiction sensors of yours sniff out the lie like a fart in a car. Speaking of lies gone awry, check out this falsehood fiasco from my days as a married man.

The Blood Household, 7:00 pm. 

Mrs B: “Austin, will you please brush the little monkey’s teeth and put her to bed? I have to finish this report for work.”

Me: “Sure, Baby. No problem.”

(One hour later)

Mrs B: “Hey! She really needs to get in bed. Did you brush her teeth yet?”

Me: “Crap! I totally forgot about her teeth. I’ll do it right now and then I’ll get her in bed…ok?”

(Another hour later)

Mrs B: “Hey!!!!! I can’t believe she’s STILL up! #@%!! Get her in bed, please! Did you brush her teeth yet?”

Me: “Cool yer jets! Of course I brushed her teeth! You already asked me twice, didn’t you?”

But had I even been within spitting distance of a Dora the Explorer toothbrush that evening?

Not even close.

So why would I float this truth-deficient turd out into the universe?

Two Words: Self Preservation.

My long-suffering wife had already asked me to brush my daughter’s teeth. Twice. I obviously hadn’t, so if I fessed up and told her the truth, not only would I disappoint her, but I’d be on the receiving end of a few rations of grief for failure to comply. Never mind the fact they were well-deserved rations, I just didn’t want to hear about it.

So I told her what she wanted to hear.

Plus, I reasoned…

‘The kid’s only a toddler, right? Aren’t her teeth gonna fall out soon anyways? What’s the big rush? I can’t think of a single good reason why I should pull myself away from this Breaking Bad re-run marathon just to sanitize a few juvenile chompers the Tooth Fairy has already marked for death. Anyways, I can always brush them in the morning. Her teeth will still be attached after breakfast and I’ll definitely have finished watching Season 3 by then…’

Such was my tortured logic.

Welcome to the twisted rationale of the primal male mind.

Scenarios like the Dora toothbrush fiasco are replayed millions of times a day all across the globe. There’s no end to the number of creative things a man will do or say to keep his backside out of hot water.

One night my buddy Jake even rubbed his bare hands on the tires of his pickup truck after coming home to his wife three hours late. He knew she would lose her shit if she found out he was drinking with the boys, so to stay out of the doghouse, he rubbed his palms all over his filthy tires right before pulling up in his driveway. And just as he was about to get annihilated by his angry spouse, Jake played his hand.

Literally.

All it took was a show of HIS blackened hands and a bullshit story about a tire blowout and his role as a Good Samaritan and Jake went from zero to hero in one second flat.

Good ol’ Jake.

Now…do these hare-brained male antics make any sense at all?

Not really.

Are they remotely logical?

Not even close.

Could all this hassle be avoided by doing the right thing in the first place?

Absolutely.

But when have men EVER done things the easy way?

Now in a perfect world, men would man up and dispense with the deceit entirely, but unfortunately too many men (and women) don’t live in that world. So the lies continue, trust breaks down and it spirals from there.

It’s just the way of our imperfect world.

The silver lining to this madness is that you don’t have to put up with dishonesty of any sort if you don’t want to. And while men in general may be notorious for their ability to con you with silver-tongued oratory, there are also legions of good and decent men out there who place a premium on truth and fidelity. These gentlemen understand that trust and mutual respect is the bedrock upon which ALL healthy relationships are built.

Articles

The One Thing A Man Will NEVER Tell You (But I Will)


FULL DISCLOSURE: I AM A MAN.

A charter member of my kind.

An old girlfriend of mine (who was a creative writing major in college) once referred to me as “a hot-blooded, rabble-rousing alpha male who’s a living, breathing repository of all things masculine.”

Sounds about right.

I love women, sex, fast motorcycles, kicking ass and taking names. Candidly, I can’t fathom for even a nanosecond being anything other than male. There are just too many advantages to packing a penis.

For starters, emotional detachment is a wonderful thing. It’s been scientifically proven that men aren’t burdened by the part of our brains responsible for the processing of emotion nearly to the degree women are. This means we’re far less likely to drive others and ourselves batshit crazy staying up nights to overanalyze and overthink everything ten ways to Sunday. Sure, sometimes guys focus too much on logic and reason, but that’s okay with us…we sleep better at night.

Peace of mind is a wonderful thing.

On the biological side, other than sex of course, the biggest benefit to being born with a bulge is the ability to empty your bladder while standing loud and proud. Not only is it convenient, but the ability to whip it out at the drop of a hat means guys don’t have the added pressure of trying to find an unlocked port-a-potty when nature calls.

Like the dogs that we often are, any old tree or fire hydrant will usually do.

But of all the advantages being a man affords, there is one COLOSSAL benefit associated with having an X and a Y chromosome that eclipses all others by a light-year. Everything else runs a distant second to this ONE single reason being a man is so goddamn amazing!

What is it, you ask?

One word, my friend.

WOMEN!

As legions of gentlemen will attest, the human female is without question the most remarkable form of life on the planet. Since the dawn of time, women have impacted men to the deepest levels of our soul. And with good reason…females kick ass. I have a theory that the whole reason God created Eve had absolutely nothing to do with companionship for Adam. Rather, the Almighty took one look at Version 1.0 scratching his nuts down by the banks of the Euphrates River and knew instantly he could make an improvement or two.

So he did.

And the Good Lord’s over-the-fence grand slam on day six of creation is history’s finest example of the sequel trumping the original.

Sometimes even exalted deities do better work the second time around.

As a man, there are so many things that blow my mind about women I don’t even know where to begin…

Is it your beauty?

Your brains?

Your unfailing ability to whip us guys into a testosterone-induced frenzy with just a look?

What is it about YOU that captivates us so?

While the answer to this question is different for every man, if I had to pick but one thing I admire MOST about women, it would be what I call The Sacrificial Aspect.

I define The Sacrificial Aspect as a woman’s remarkable ability to put the needs of others ahead of her own…

It’s the woman who works 8 hours a day and then puts in another 8 to keep the home fires burning bright.

It’s the woman who offers her girlfriends a shoulder to cry on while silently screaming inside with her own private struggles.

It’s the woman who puts her children first at every turn, ALWAYS ensuring they have what they need. Even if it means she goes without.

As a woman, your life is Exhibit A in what it means to put other people first.

MUCH more so than a man’s.

Can you imagine what would happen if you were suddenly removed from the equation and men were left to fend for our offspring and ourselves? I think it’s safe to say the motor of the world would implode and screech to a grinding halt. Hell, we’d probably starve to death in the first week alone. Not to bash my kind, but let’s face it, we men can’t do what you do. At least not with the same grace, dignity, and poise.

Plus, guys can be pretty damn selfish too.

Speaking for myself, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten my knickers in a twist because I had to cut my workday short in order to get my daughters fed and dropped off to dance or soccer practice on time.

Or the number of times I’ve ruffled my feathers because I missed going to the gym because my youngest decided to barf up a lung just as I was walking out the door. Like most men, I go absolutely bananas when stuff like this goes down. I get impatient, start swearing like a sailor under my breath and muttering about how I should’ve worn a condom. But not you ladies. You seem to have this selfless ability to set your own needs and desires aside and do what needs to be done.

And nine times out of ten, you do it with a smile.

As someone who mentors women from all walks of life, this is something that STILL never ceases to amaze me. How you manage to keep it all together for everyone else yet still stay sane has got to be one of the great mysteries of the universe. That, and your ability to smoothly and effortlessly remove your bra from underneath your shirt with a single hand, of course.

So how is it that you’re able to be an exceptional caretaker, a good friend AND the glue that holds it all together even when YOU are hurting inside?

I’ve given this a lot of thought and what it really comes down to is that you ladies possess a unique blend of traits and characteristics that enable you to spread your love in a thousand different ways.

It’s your kindness.

Your compassion.

Your caring.

Attentiveness.

Patience.

These and other remarkable qualities go into the nurturing and supportive aspect that you do and do so well. And because we live in a world dominated by masculine ideals, these aren’t virtues that typically get a lot of credit, appreciation, or recognition.

Well, that ends now.

It’s time to give credit where credit is due.

Whether you realize it or not, it’s the little things you do that make the world a better place:

It’s the way you multitask your way through the day like the maternal ninja that you are.

It’s the way that you rise up to meet a challenge while everything else crumbles all around you.

It’s the way that you and ONLY YOU can soothe your child’s soul in their time of need.

These are the things that matter most.

Because once you strip away all the noise, all the chaos, and all the distractions of modern life, the only thing that REALLY matters…the only thing that stands the test of time…is the imprint we leave on the hearts of other people. That is our legacy. And you, as a woman, are a shining example of that legacy.

Please don’t ever forget how important you are.

Sig 2018