There’s nothing like a boatload of bullshit to make the world go ‘round. And we’re all guilty of it. ALL of us. Whether it’s a little white lie to save our ass or a full-blown web of deceit to hide that dirty little secret, most of us excel at shoveling prodigious piles of truth-deficient poo on a regular basis.
One of the top complaints I hear from women is that men are ALWAYS trying to pull the wool over their eyes.
To hear these ladies tell it, men lie about damn near everything under the sun. We lie about our past. We lie about our future. We lie about what we’re doing, where we’ve been, what we’re thinking, what happened an hour ago, what happened thirty seconds ago, and so on.
In addition to the actual dishonesty, what REALLY drives these ladies to drink is that men seem to lie about stuff they shouldn’t lie about at all. Dumb stuff. Stupid stuff. Matters that don’t amount to a hill of beans in the big scheme of things. So that’s what we’re going to talk about here….the little lies.
If you’re a woman, how many times has a man tried to pull the wool over your eyes? How many times has he told you that he’ll be home in ten minutes and then shows up an hour later? Or that his phone died and he didn’t get your message? Or that he did something around the house when he didn’t?
More times than you can count, I’m sure.
So why exactly do so many guys play fast and loose with the truth? If men were more straightforward and honest, wouldn’t life be easier for everyone?
In a word?
At least not for him.
The truth is that there are really only THREE reasons a man will lie to you:
1. When he doesn’t want to argue with you.
2. When he doesn’t want to see you upset.
3. When he doesn’t want to incur your wrath.
There are other reasons, of course, but these are the main ones.
So let’s start by taking a look at the wrath department, shall we?
I hate stating the obvious, but far too many women make an art form out of nagging, whining, bitching, pouting and complaining to the man in their life. And it’s no secret that men hate this shit. They detest it. Every guy I know would rather have his balls tarred and feathered than get blasted by a woman for his delinquent behavior. So if you’re a guy and a woman is about to cloud up and rain on you, your first instinct is to save your ass.
And the best way to save your ass is by covering it.
That usually entails telling her what she wants to hear. And when it comes to covering his ass, a man will do whatever is necessary to appease you. His rationale is simple…
Keep the peace at all costs.
A lie is his way of avoiding an argument, criticism or disappointing you at that moment in time. If he gets caught, he can deal with the fallout later. And we usually DO get caught, don’t we?
You ladies are like human polygraph machines. The second we pull a fast one, those finely-tuned female fiction sensors of yours sniff out the lie like a fart in a car. Speaking of lies gone awry, check out this falsehood fiasco from my days as a married man.
The Blood Household, 7:00 pm.
Mrs B: “Austin, will you please brush the little monkey’s teeth and put her to bed? I have to finish this report for work.”
Me: “Sure, Baby. No problem.”
(One hour later)
Mrs B: “Hey! She really needs to get in bed. Did you brush her teeth yet?”
Me: “Crap! I totally forgot about her teeth. I’ll do it right now and then I’ll get her in bed…ok?”
(Another hour later)
Mrs B: “Hey!!!!! I can’t believe she’s STILL up! #@%!! Get her in bed, please! Did you brush her teeth yet?”
Me: “Cool yer jets! Of course I brushed her teeth! You already asked me twice, didn’t you?”
But had I even been within spitting distance of a Dora the Explorer toothbrush that evening?
Not even close.
So why would I float this truth-deficient turd out into the universe?
Two Words: Self Preservation.
My long-suffering wife had already asked me to brush my daughter’s teeth. Twice. I obviously hadn’t, so if I fessed up and told her the truth, not only would I disappoint her, but I’d be on the receiving end of a few rations of grief for failure to comply. Never mind the fact they were well-deserved rations, I just didn’t want to hear about it.
So I told her what she wanted to hear.
Plus, I reasoned…
‘The kid’s only a toddler, right? Aren’t her teeth gonna fall out soon anyways? What’s the big rush? I can’t think of a single good reason why I should pull myself away from this Breaking Bad re-run marathon just to sanitize a few juvenile chompers the Tooth Fairy has already marked for death. Anyways, I can always brush them in the morning. Her teeth will still be attached after breakfast and I’ll definitely have finished watching Season 3 by then…’
Such was my tortured logic.
Welcome to the twisted rationale of the primal male mind.
Scenarios like the Dora toothbrush fiasco are replayed millions of times a day all across the globe. There’s no end to the number of creative things a man will do or say to keep his backside out of hot water.
One night my buddy Jake even rubbed his bare hands on the tires of his pickup truck after coming home to his wife three hours late. He knew she would lose her shit if she found out he was drinking with the boys, so to stay out of the doghouse, he rubbed his palms all over his filthy tires right before pulling up in his driveway. And just as he was about to get annihilated by his angry spouse, Jake played his hand.
All it took was a show of HIS blackened hands and a bullshit story about a tire blowout and his role as a Good Samaritan and Jake went from zero to hero in one second flat.
Good ol’ Jake.
Now…do these hare-brained male antics make any sense at all?
Are they remotely logical?
Not even close.
Could all this hassle be avoided by doing the right thing in the first place?
But when have men EVER done things the easy way?
Now in a perfect world, men would man up and dispense with the deceit entirely, but unfortunately too many men (and women) don’t live in that world. So the lies continue, trust breaks down and it spirals from there.
It’s just the way of our imperfect world.
The silver lining to this madness is that you don’t have to put up with dishonesty of any sort if you don’t want to. And while men in general may be notorious for their ability to con you with silver-tongued oratory, there are also legions of good and decent men out there who place a premium on truth and fidelity. These gentlemen understand that trust and mutual respect is the bedrock upon which ALL healthy relationships are built.