Ask Austin

Why Men Lose Interest In Romance In You

My husband and I have been married for four years and together for six. From the time we first started dating until about the one-year mark he was a total romantic. A real life Romeo. But now all that has changed. Now I have to fish for a compliment or ask if I look pretty before we go out. He doesn’t hold my hand and he doesn’t write anymore. No flowers. On the plus side, our relationship is strong and in the bedroom he’s amazing. I told him how I miss the romance and he said he would do better. He was ok for a couple weeks but now it’s back to the same. What’s up? Am I expecting to much? Does romance always end when you get married?   – Nina


My computer is already pinging off the hook with the sound of emails from women all over the world writing to ask me for your husband’s phone number. Let’s see….according to you, the two of you have a strong relationship and he’s amazing in bed. Sounds like you have a pretty decent guy on your hands. But I think you knew that already.

On the off chance you didn’t, pull up a chair and let’s chat, my friend.

Nina, I understand how important romance is to you. Believe me, I totally get it. And you’re in good company. Women all over the world are captivated by the romantic ideals of happily-ever-after, knights-in-shining armor and true everlasting love. All you have to do is look at the success of television shows like The Bachelor and the stratospheric sales levels of books like the Harlequin romance novels to see how romance fascinates and enthralls women by the millions. And why shouldn’t it? The romantic aspect is one of the things that makes relationships between the sexes so enticing, exciting and appealing.

Where many people like yourself run into problems is they head into marriage under the illusion that the passion, romance, and excitement will last. Sadly, it doesn’t. At least not at the levels they’re used to. Ask anyone who’s been married for any length of time and they’ll tell you…things cool off. Substantially. It’s just a fact of life. Sure, you’ve got couples who manage to keep things spicy and hot over lengthy periods of time, but they’re the exception rather than the rule.

Nina, the unfiltered truth on your situation is that your Romeo has landed his Juliet. So I wouldn’t hold your breath waiting for him to sing you a sonnet of undying love while camped outside your bedroom balcony.

The truth is that the Don Juan period of courtship only lasts so long.

Ninety-nine percent of men, even the most romantic ones, only pull out the stops for as long as necessary in order to get the girl. Now I’m certainly not saying men don’t continue to be romantic after the courtship period, but no guy I’ve ever known dotes on his girl to the degree he did early on. As much as this may suck, it’s just a fact of life. This is a tough pill to swallow for many women. Especially women like yourself who are used to being treated more or less like romantic royalty.

Nina, while there’s obviously no guaranteed “fix” for your situation, here’s what I would do if I were you…

Become the change you want to see. By that I mean initiate a few ‘romantic’ moves yourself. Grab his hand or his butt when you’re walking together. Leave a note on his pillow. Scrawl a big message in bright red lipstick on the bathroom mirror that says, I love your huge d#ck! or, You were amazing in bed last night! Have fun with it. When you make it lighthearted and fun instead of obligatory on his part, there’s a high probability given what you’ve told me about your husband that he’ll reciprocate and you’ll get back some of the romance you’ve been looking for without even really having to try.

Nina, please understand your situation is representative of what happens in 99.9% of all relationships between the sexes. You didn’t do anything wrong and your guy certainly doesn’t love you any less. In fact, I’d say just the opposite is true as evidenced by what you’ve told me. But instead of showing his love for you with flowers and notes like he used to, he’s now showing that love in different, and some would say, more important ways.

Lastly, I don’t want you to miss out on how beautiful your forest is because you’re focusing solely on a few of your favorite trees. Especially since it sounds like a beautiful forest indeed. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go delete that slew of emails piling up from women trying to track down your Romeo.

All the best to you,