There’s nothing like a boatload of bullshit to make the world go ‘round. And we’re all guilty of it. All of us. Whether it’s a little white lie to save ourselves some short-term hassle or a full-blown web of deceit to hide that dirty little secret or deviant desire, many of us excel at shoveling prodigious piles of truth-deficient poo on a regular basis.
One of the top complaints I hear from women is that men seem to lie.
To hear these ladies tell it, men lie about damn near everything under the sun. We lie about our past. We lie about our future. Lie about what we’re doing, where we’ve been, what we’re thinking, what happened an hour ago, what happened thirty seconds ago, and so on.
In addition to the actual dishonesty, what really drives these ladies to drink is that men seem to lie about stuff they shouldn’t lie about at all. Dumb stuff. Stupid stuff. Matters that don’t amount to a hill of beans in the big scheme of things. So that’s what we’re going to talk about here. The little white lies. The seemingly inconsequential.
If you’re a woman, how many times has a man tried to pull the wool over your eyes? How many times has he told you that he’ll be home in ten minutes and then shows up an hour later? Or that his phone died and he didn’t get your message? Or that he did something around the house when he didn’t?
More times than you can count, I’m sure.
So why exactly do so many guys play fast and loose with the truth? If men were more straightforward and honest, wouldn’t life be easier for everyone?
In a word?
*Unfiltered Truth Alert*
Ladies, there are really only three reasons a man will lie to you….1. He doesn’t want to argue with you.
2. He doesn’t want to disappoint you. 3. He doesn’t want to hear you complain.
There are other reasons, of course, but these are the main ones. So let’s start by taking a look at the complaints department, shall we?
I hate stating the obvious, but far too many females have made an art form out of nagging, whining, bitching, pouting and complaining. And it’s no secret that men hate this shit. They detest it. Every guy I’ve ever known would rather have his balls hot waxed than listen to another around of complaints from a woman about something he did or didn’t do. So if you’re a guy, and your woman is about to cloud up and rain on you, your first instinct is to save your ass. And the best way to save your ass is by covering it. That usually entails telling her what she wants to hear. When it comes to covering his ass, a man will do whatever he thinks is necessary in order to appease you. His rationale is simple:
Keep the peace at all costs.
A lie is his way of avoiding an argument, avoiding criticism or disappointing you at that exact moment in time. If he gets caught, he can always deal with the fallout later. And we usually get caught, don’t we, Ladies? It’s like you’re a human polygraph machine. The second we pull a fast one, those finely-tuned fiction sensors of yours sniff out the lie like a fart in a car.
Speaking of lies gone awry, check out this falsehood fiasco from my not-too-distant past….
The Blood Household, circa 2011, 7:00 pm.
Mrs B: “Austin, will you please brush the little monkey’s teeth and put her to bed? I have to finish this report for work.”
Me: “Sure, Baby. No problem.”
(One hour later)
Mrs B: “Hey! She really needs to get in bed. Did you brush her teeth yet?”
Me: “Crap! I totally forgot about her teeth. I’ll do it right now and then I’ll get her in bed…ok?”
(Another hour later)
Mrs B: “Hey!! I can’t believe she’s still up! #@%!! Get her in bed, please! Did you brush her teeth yet?”
Me: “Cool yer jets! Of course I brushed her teeth! You already asked me twice, didn’t you?”
But had I even been within spitting distance of a Dora the Explorer toothbrush that evening?
Of course not!
So why would I float this truth-deficient turd out into the universe?
Two Words: Self Preservation.
My long-suffering wife had already asked me to brush my daughter’s teeth. Twice. I obviously hadn’t, so if I fessed up and told her the truth, not only would I disappoint her, but I’d be on the receiving end of a few rations of grief for failure to comply. Never mind the fact they were well-deserved rations, I just didn’t want to hear about it.
So I told her what she wanted to hear.
Plus, I reasoned… ‘The kid’s only a toddler, right? Aren’t her teeth gonna fall out soon anyways? What’s the big rush? I can’t think of a single good reason why I should pull myself away from this Breaking Bad marathon just to sanitize a few juvenile chompers the Tooth Fairy has already marked for death. Anyways, I can always brush them in the morning. I’m sure her teeth will still be attached to her skull after breakfast and I’ll definitely have finished watching Season 3 by then…’
Such was my tortured logic.
Welcome to the convoluted and twisted rationale of the primal male mind.
Scenarios like the Dora toothbrush fiasco are replayed millions of times a day all across the globe. There’s no end to the number of creative things men will do or say to avoid disappointing women while simultaneously keeping their derrières out of hot water. One time my buddy Jake even rubbed his bare hands on the tires of his pickup truck one night after coming home three hours late. He knew his wife would lose her shit if she found out he’d gone drinking with the boys, so to keep himself out of the doghouse, he rubbed his palms all over his filthy tires right before pulling up in the driveway. Of course, when he finally walked in the house and was confronted by his steaming spouse, all it took was a show of blackened hands and a bullshit story about a tire blowout to soothe the savage beast.
Good ol’ Jake.
Now…do these hare-brained male antics make any sense at all?
Are they remotely logical?
Could all this hassle be avoided by doing the right thing in the first place?
But when have men ever done things the easy way?
Now in a perfect world, men would man up and dispense with the deceit entirely, but unfortunately far too many men (and women) don’t live in that world. So the lies continue, trust breaks down and it spirals from there. Sadly, the unfiltered truth on this matter is that many guys will forever tell little white lies to make their lives easier.
It’s just the way of our imperfect world.
The silver lining to all this is that you don’t have to put up with dishonesty of any sort if you don’t want to. And while men in general may be notorious for their ability to con you ladies with silver-tongued oratory, there are just as many good and decent men out there who place a premium on truth and fidelity. These gentlemen are the ones who understand that trust and mutual respect is the bedrock upon which the very best relationships are ALWAYS built.
And that, my friend, is The Unfiltered Truth.