Ask Austin

Friends With Benefits?

I’ve had two separate Friends with Benefits (FWB) relationships in the last few years. The sex was spectacular and I ended up having feelings for both of them. It wasn’t reciprocated and both men went on to other women. Since then, I’ve found a new FWB and it just ended by his choice this week. He just stopped calling with no reason and hasn’t responded to any of my texts. Austin, how do you feel about FWB arrangements and how can women like me who crave love and validation from men stop sabotaging themselves by accepting an FWB arrangement?  -Kristy

Hey Kristy,

The infamous Friends With Benefits conundrum, huh?

On the surface, it has all the makings of the perfect coupling. Two sex-crossed lovers, lots of slam dancing and zero strings attached. After all, this isn’t courting…it’s copulating. That means the guy gets to slowly peel away the lace from that dreamy whisker biscuit despite the fact he probably won’t be taking this chick home to mom. For the girl, she still gets that much-needed bang on the bathroom floor despite the fact he isn’t exactly her type. Which is one reason she’s there in the first place, right? Precisely. Who cares if he’s always broke or passes more gas than a fleet of Chevron trucks? To her, he’s a damn fine lay and it’s a match made in nookie heaven as far as they’re both concerned. Everyone gets what they need.

If only it were that simple.

The truth is, a friends with benefits arrangement almost never works out the way you want it to. Anytime you introduce sex into the picture you complicate things. In theory, everyone should remain friends while sweating each other up against the wall, but the reality is much more complex. We’re emotional creatures by nature and sex is the ultimate emotional act. Even if you don’t think so, your soul knows better.

Case in point: You’re lying naked in bed with your bang buddy in the throes of post-orgasmic bliss. You already know that men are never more honest than in the few short moments following a kick-ass orgasm, but even so, you’re hardly prepared for what comes next. Your toes have only just begun uncurling when he casually mentions that he and a co-worker shared a few drinks and an intimate kiss a few nights earlier at a local bar. Against your better judgement, but with your ‘friend’ hat firmly atop your head, you press him for more details. It isn’t long before you learn he spent the evening at her place.

No big deal right?


All of a sudden, you’re awash in sea of conflicting emotions. On one hand, you don’t care. On the other, you’re absolutely raging but don’t really know why. It shouldn’t matter, should it? After all, you’re just friends…..

Unfortunately, this happens ALL the time when two ‘friends’ hook up. Someone eventually develops an emotional attachment, a sense of entitlement, or starts romanticizing the relationship into something it isn’t. When this happens, the ‘friends’ aspect ceases to exist and it becomes exactly the type of complication you were hoping to avoid in the first place.

Ironic, huh?

Kristy, a friends with benefits deal is the ultimate consolation prize. It’s a great way to scratch that itch by hangin’ and bangin’ until something better comes along. But what happens when something better comes along for him and not for you? Or the other way around? Therein lies the problem. Someone always gets the shaft. It’s funny how quickly the whole ‘friends’ thing can evaporate when people start feeling used, jilted or otherwise slighted.

My advice? Please don’t be the woman who longingly pines for more or gets emotionally involved. I know that can be a tall order, but looking for love or validation in the arms of your boink buddy is a fool’s quest. If that’s your goal, it can only end badly for you. A man might tell you the time isn’t right or that he’s too busy for a relationship, but you and I both know that’s just a cover story. What he’s really telling you is that you’re not his Mrs. Right. You’re Miss Right now.

Kristy, try your best to think like a man on this one. Put your thinking cap on the little head and don’t view friends with benefits as anything other than pure, unbridled carnal pleasure. Anything above and beyond that and you’re just asking for trouble or heartache.

That’s The Unfiltered Truth, my friend.